So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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