No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
