the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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