Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
