U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
