i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
