I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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