Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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