There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
