I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
