your parents love me but you hate me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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