If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
