I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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