I accidentally had phone sex last night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
