Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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