Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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