I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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