also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My dick has a subreddit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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