I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
