We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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