I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
