Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
