I cannot find my penis.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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