Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
