Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
