Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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