I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
