Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pants are for mortals
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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