I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
