I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
