Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
