I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
