I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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