Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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