***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
