i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
