Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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