in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
