I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
