Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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