I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
