I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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