I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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