nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
