There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
