I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
