I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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