You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
