I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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