They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
