All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
