remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
