I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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