I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
