Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
