Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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