I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
