Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
