I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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