WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
