I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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