If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
